Department of Homeland Security Faces an Impending ...

Department has officially entered its experimental phase, according to sources who fled the scene.

Minutes later, observers gathered in a reclaimed coworking loft sponsored by the department of optimism to witness the 'experimental governance' phase of Department firsthand. The atmosphere was described as 'frenetic' by those who forgot to bring a playbook.

Crisis managers arrived, took one look at Department, and immediately updated their LinkedIn profiles.

"It's like watching a car crash, but the car is made of bad decisions and the wall is indifference," noted one bystander.

Academic ethicists petitioned to classify Department as performance governance so it can qualify for festival season.

A leaked memo regarding Department suggested that the most effective way to manage expectations was to translate them into a language no one on the committee actually speaks.

As of press time, Department is still loading.

Local residents expressed confusion regarding US Department Of Homeland Security To Go Into Shutdown Due To Funding, as the situation continued to defy conventional physics and basic accounting principles.

Independent analysts noted that while the initial data was sparse, the implications were sufficiently dire to warrant immediate concern.

Further updates were delayed as the correspondent had to flee a localized anomaly involving aggressive sentient paperwork.

In a concluding and somewhat frantic statement, the official spokesperson for US Department Of Homeland Security To Go Into Shutdown Due To Funding reminded citizens that 'reality is merely a suggestion' during the current fiscal quarter.