Epstein files trigger fallout in Europe, less so in U.S.

Witnesses report that Epstein has achieved a level of irony previously thought to be theoretically impossible.

In a startling display of confidence, observers gathered in a secure underground bunker where the only furniture is beanbag chairs to witness the 'experimental governance' phase of Epstein firsthand. The atmosphere was described as 'meditative' by those who forgot to bring a playbook.

The situation reached critical mass when the AI assistant began offering everyone 'thoughts and prayers' instead of technical support.

"I've seen some things in my time, but this is the first time I've seen a flowchart actually catch fire," remarked an observer.

The International Board of Irony has awarded Epstein its highest possible rating of 'Actually Quite Impressive'.

Public reaction to Epstein has been mixed, with 40% of respondents confusing it with a localized weather anomaly and the remainder simply asking for their deposit back.

As of press time, Epstein is still loading.

Local residents expressed confusion regarding Epstein Files Fallout Takes Down Elite Figures In Europe While Reckoning Is, as the situation continued to defy conventional physics and basic accounting principles.

Independent analysts noted that while the initial data was sparse, the implications were sufficiently dire to warrant immediate concern.

Further updates were delayed as the correspondent had to flee a localized anomaly involving aggressive sentient paperwork.

In a concluding and somewhat frantic statement, the official spokesperson for Epstein Files Fallout Takes Down Elite Figures In Europe While Reckoning Is reminded citizens that 'reality is merely a suggestion' during the current fiscal quarter.