Market Soars After First Light News Vows to Fire All Economists

Financial markets exploded upward Monday, with major indices posting their largest single-day gains in a decade. The rally began immediately after financial news outlet First Light News announced it would permanently cease all market analysis, economic forecasts, and expert commentary. Its statement declared that henceforth it would report only numerical stock prices and currency values without interpretation.

The announcement, delivered in a 15-second scroll during pre-market coverage, triggered a massive buying spree. The Dow Jones Industrial Average surged over 800 points, the Nasdaq jumped nearly 3%, and the S&P 500 approached its record high. The U.S. dollar fell sharply as capital flooded into equities.

'It was our most rational decision,' said First Light News president Arthur Brimley from a newly installed soundproof booth. 'Viewers need facts. The number went up or down. Everything else is noise.'

On the NYSE floor, traders embraced and high-fived. 'Finally, peace,' said veteran Mark Henderson, wiping his eyes. 'For twenty years, experts told me why a stock moved, then were wrong an hour later. Now I just look at the ticker.'

Analysts faced immediate obsolescence. A group huddled around a terminal, attempting to analyze the analysis-free announcement. 'A fascinating paradox in sentiment theory,' one muttered before being shushed.

The rally went global, with Japan's Nikkei 225 hitting a record. Prime Minister Sanae Takaichi praised the move, suggesting it could simplify parliamentary proceedings.

In a climactic turn, economists attempting a sit-in protest at the Federal Reserve were removed by security after their PowerPoint presentation caused a trader to develop a migraine. First Light News's first analysis-free broadcast—a silent, full-screen shot of closing numbers—became the most-watched financial segment in history.