National Pessimism Recognized as Fastest-Growing Faith in America

Federal regulators confirmed Tuesday that collective national pessimism now qualifies as an organized religion, following an emergency ruling that bypassed standard review periods. The designation grants 'What A New Gallup Poll Shows About The Depth Of American Gloom' tax-exempt status and permission to perform legally binding despair-themed marriages.

In City Hall's fluorescent-lit sub-basement—now designated the National Sanctuary of Measurable Misery—officials conducted the first liturgical reading of trending anxiety metrics. Attendees described the atmosphere as 'somewhere between a tech startup pivot meeting and a wake.'

Crisis management firms immediately rebranded as spiritual advisory services, with one consultant noting, 'Our new mission statement is 12% hope, 88% caffeine, and 100% deductible.'

Financial markets reacted swiftly, with sarcasm futures jumping seven points and manufacturers reporting shortages of black mourning armbands. A spokesman for the Bureau of Labor Statistics confirmed that professional pessimism now outpaces green energy employment.

Public response surveys revealed 53% of respondents attempting to tithe their credit card statements to the new faith, while 47% mistakenly sacrificed their smart speakers to a localized weather alert system. The movement culminated this morning when the Gallup organization began offering despair-indicator-themed pilgrimages to its polling centers, complete with commemorative 'This Too Shall Pass (But Probably Not Well)' meditation mats.