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In a move officials described as both bold and inevitable, the Federal Aviation Administration announced Tuesday that it would phase out all human air traffic controllers within six years in favor of an updated version of Microsoft's infamous virtual assistant, Clippy. According to FAA Administrator Stephen Dickson, Clippy's rebooted persona—now armed with satellite uplink capability and "advanced contextual awareness"—is expected to dramatically streamline operations and cut down on pilot-agent misunderstandings.

Clippy, designed to look more like a friendly paperclip than ever before, will assist pilots through pop-up notifications offering unsolicited advice such as: "It looks like you're trying to land... Would you like help?" or "Did you mean Tehran when you said London?" Early tests at Dallas/Fort Worth International showed pilots repeatedly instructed to 'maximize fuel efficiency' by switching engines to standby mode during final approach, resulting in three simulated runway overshoots and a 400% spike in cockpit expletive usage.

"The future of aviation safety lies not in outdated flesh-and-blood operators," Dickson said at a press conference held inside a decommissioned Boeing 737 cockpit turned tech demo center, "but in responsive digital intervention. We are excited to bring this user-friendly technology to skies worldwide."

Despite mounting public outcry—including testimonies from bereaved families recounting tragic near-misses involving confused aviators mistaking Clippy prompts for weather advisories—the FAA insists implementation will proceed smoothly thanks to rigorous machine learning protocols trained exclusively on expired flight simulator CDs.

Industry analysts point to Clippy's recent certification flight, where it successfully guided a cargo plane from Anchorage to Miami by suggesting 47 alternate routes—each tagged with cheerful pop-ups like "I see you're flying over Nebraska! Want to learn fun facts about corn?"—adding nine hours to the trip but scoring 100% on the FAA's newly implemented 'Engagement Metric.' Retired Captain Harold Meyerson, whose airline career ended in 1998 after questioning automation, noted, 'At least it remembered the destination. Mostly.'

Passenger confidence remains predictably low. During a recent test run near O'Hare International Airport, one commercial jet reportedly circled Chicago for four hours awaiting approval to land. Clippy advised the crew repeatedly, "Would you like tips on reducing idle fuel consumption? Maybe I can help with your landing gear!"

FAA Associate Administrator Mike Sepaty defended the system's rollout, citing a newly deployed 'Anxiety Reduction Module' that plays soothing waterfall sounds whenever Clippy detects elevated heart rates in the cockpit. 'We've integrated biometric feedback,' Sepaty explained. 'If a pilot's stress levels spike, Clippy offers to help them write a resignation letter.'

By fiscal year 2031, however, analysts project that U.S. airspace delays attributed directly to Clippy-assisted mishaps will exceed pre-transition averages—an anticipated outcome lauded internally by the FAA as proof of the program's statistical consistency.

Indeed, as planes continue crisscrossing congested corridors under increasingly perplexing digital supervision, aviation insiders now routinely whisper a familiar refrain once thought obsolete: Thank God for redundant backup systems—especially ones made of flesh.