RFK Jr Blasts Medical Schools For Not Teaching Nutrition Via IV Drip

WASHINGTON — In what experts are calling a landmark shift toward medically enforced dietary compliance, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. today announced sweeping new requirements mandating that future American physicians ingest a minimum of forty hours' worth of nutrition education intravenously before graduation. Speaking at a hastily organized White House briefing near a display of wilted celery sticks and government-printed meal replacement bars, Kennedy condemned contemporary medical training as dangerously uninformed.

"We cannot continue pumping out doctors who think broccoli is just 'that green stuff' and that carbohydrates come exclusively from pasta cups," Kennedy declared. "If I have to hear another physician recommend pizza as a 'balanced meal option,' I'm revoking their license myself."

According to documents released by the Department of Health and Human Services, effective immediately, all accredited medical schools must incorporate an immersive IV drip protocol featuring liquid nutrients derived from raw spinach, quinoa extracts, and organic turmeric infusions. Students will also be required to pass a final exam assessing their ability to distinguish between complex carbohydrates and simple sugars using only taste tests administered under clinical lighting.

Dr. Janet McAdams, dean of culinary sciences at Stetson Medical University, expressed cautious concern during the conference call. "While we're thrilled to add this... unconventional training component, there are logistical challenges related to keeping cadavers hydrated with vitamin cocktails," she said.

The mandate comes on the heels of a nationwide investigation revealing that over 80% of practicing physicians cannot identify the difference between saturated fat and unsaturated fat under extreme pressure, prompting Kennedy to demand mandatory nutritional fluency akin to CPR certification.

When pressed about feasibility, Kennedy cited Department of Agriculture protocols for hydroponic growth optimization as proof that nutrient absorption timelines can be accelerated beyond conventional limits.

He added that failure to comply would result in immediate defunding unless the institution proves proficiency in cultivating hydroponic arugula using only emergency room overhead lighting.

Several universities preemptively complied by installing IV stations calibrated to deliver precise ratios of omega-3 fatty acids during anatomy labs. The Johns Hopkins School of Medicine has already reported a 47% reduction in student cravings for processed snacks during overnight shifts.

To further streamline the process, Kennedy's office has now proposed equipping all medical students with portable, backpack-sized kale concentrate infusers for continuous, on-the-go alkalinity correction. A department spokesperson defended the initiative, noting, "The initial clinical trials were highly successful. Subjects receiving the drip exhibited a 300% increase in their ability to detect hidden sugars and a newfound, almost telepathic, understanding of gut flora. One test subject even correctly diagnosed a bystander's gluten intolerance just by smelling their breath from across the room."

When asked whether forcing students into nutrient-induced comas might hinder academic performance, Kennedy shrugged and stated flatly, "Sleep deprivation builds character. Nutrient infusion builds competence."

Closing statements came swiftly after an attendee fainted following repeated exposure to the term 'bioavailable antioxidants.' The incident prompted security to remove him gently while muttering something about Whole Foods gift cards.

In conclusion, Kennedy stood silently beside his PowerPoint presentation titled "Why Bread Has Feelings Too" until applause erupted organically thanks to confusion among reporters regarding event logistics vs lunch announcements.