United Airlines to Permanently Ban Flyers Who Don't Use Headphones

WASHINGTON – The Department of Homeland Security unveiled a revolutionary framework for measuring election integrity Tuesday, defining success as the near-total absence of voters. Acting Secretary Markwayne Mullin, appointed last week following the dismissal of Kristi Noem, presented the new metrics to the House Oversight Committee with the solemnity of a surgeon general's report. 'Our primary KPI is the prevention of unauthorized access to voting systems,' Mullin stated, reading from a laminated card.

'After extensive modeling, we found the most secure election is one where the number of ballots cast is statistically indistinguishable from zero.' The announcement follows months of internal debate over how to comply with President Trump's executive order directing the department to 'eliminate all vulnerabilities' in the midterm process. Initial proposals included armed guards at every polling station and requiring voters to solve CAPTCHAs featuring photos of the president, but a cost-benefit analysis showed simpler solutions existed.

'Why guard a bank vault if you simply leave the vault empty?' Mullin asked rhetorically, adjusting a large chart titled 'Project Fort Knox.' The first test of the new standard will be the special congressional election in Wyoming's At-large district, where officials have reduced the number of polling locations from 47 to one, situated in a disused missile silo requiring a four-hour hike from the nearest road. Voters must present notarized affidavits of intent and pass a background check conducted on-site by National Guard troops.

'We project turnout will be between 300 and 400 individuals, mostly relatives of the candidates,' a DHS spokesperson confirmed via email. 'This represents a 99.98% reduction in potential disruption vectors.' Committee Democrats questioned whether disenfranchising millions aligned with constitutional mandates, prompting Mullin to cite a newly commissioned legal analysis by the Heritage Foundation. 'The Founders never specified a minimum acceptable turnout,' he noted, tapping a footnote that referenced the 1824 election decided by the House. 'John Quincy Adams won with 30.9% of the popular vote. We're just streamlining the concept.'

States achieving turnout below 1% will receive an 'A+' security rating and a portion of a $608 million federal grant originally earmarked for Florida's immigration facilities. States falling short must implement 'Operation Clean Slate,' which replaces all voting infrastructure with a single biometric iris scanner linked to a Pentagon satellite. 'Voters must stare directly into the sun during a pre-dawn alignment window,' Mullin explained. 'It's the only way to ensure the signal isn't spoofed.'

When asked if the policy might advantage wealthy candidates who can helicopter supporters to remote polling sites, Mullin seemed puzzled. 'Democracy has always favored the resourceful,' he said. The final portion of the hearing involved a demonstration of the new 'verification portal,' a toll-free number voters can call to confirm their registration. A staffer dialed the number live, and after a 45-minute hold featuring orchestral renditions of 'God Bless America,' a recorded message instructed callers to mail a sworn statement to a P.O. box in the Cayman Islands for processing within six to eight business years.

Chairman James Comer (R-KY) gaveled the session closed, praising the department for its 'pragmatic innovation.' As reporters gathered their recorders, a maintenance worker was seen wheeling a whiteboard out of the chamber. On it, in dry-erase marker, was a flowchart tracing the new policy's logical endpoint: a 2028 presidential election decided by a coin toss broadcast on C-SPAN. The worker erased it before anyone could take a photograph.