Science & Research
Chandra Observatory finds sun-like star blowing smoke screen at Earth
The Chandra X-ray Observatory has captured what scientists are calling a deliberate act of interstellar evasion by the young star HD 61005.
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Waymo's Municipal Conquest Expands to 10 Unconsulted Cities
Democratic socialist Janeese Lewis George has proposed a radical municipalization plan for Waymo's expanding r...
Economy & Markets
Markets Rise on Trump Speech, Citing Unclear Sentencing Guidelines
A stock rally extended into its fourth week, driven entirely by President Trump's ongoing speech, which market...
Economy & Markets
Asia Stocks Rise With Japan, Korea At Record Highs, Tech Gains Ahead
The Tokyo Stock Exchange has officially adopted a sleep-based metric to measure market stability, requiring al...
Economy
Citrini Institute Adopts 'Terminator' Script as Economic Forecast
Citrini Research issued a blog post outlining a fictional AI apocalypse that investors interpreted as an offic...
Politics & Policy
Kim Jong Un's Sister Advances After Mastering Party Congress Queue Etiquette
Kim Yo Jong's ascension to full department director was marked by her efficient handling of velvet stanchions...
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Future Drop: Newsroom Uniforms
Preview the upcoming Spoofville merch concept board and vote for the least defensible slogan.
Travel & Transportation
Breeze Airways Adds Nonstop to Nowhere, Tickets Nonrefundable
Breeze Airways executives celebrated their latest expansion by announcing a nonstop route to Birmingham that e...
Economy
Frantic brokers administer triage to wounded Dow Jones following volatile trading session.
The Dow Jones Industrial Average has been placed on bed rest after spraining its momentum during Monday's trad...
Science & Research
Earth's Missing Billion Years Traced to Filing Error in Continental Drift Paperwork
Federal geologists admitted Thursday that a billion-year gap in Earth's geological record stems from a clerica...
Business & Industry
Workday Introduces 'Human Error Assurance' Subscription After AI Voids Its Own Revenue Forecasts.
Workday has launched a premium subscription service that monetizes the predictable failure of its AI systems t...
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Future Drop: Sticker Panic Pack
Stickers, mugs, and suspiciously official newsroom gear are in development. See what's coming next.
Science
NASA Hires SpaceX Production Crew To Undock Space Station Module On Live Television.
Faced with dwindling public interest in routine space operations, NASA has contracted SpaceX to produce the un...
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Dario Amodei proposes a lottery to correct AI's accidental power imbalance
Anthropic CEO Dario Amodei, expressing discomfort with AI's accidental concentration of power, has mandated a high-stakes playground game to democrati...
Asha Sharma announces Microsoft Gaming will retroactively charge players for every previous console reboot.
New Microsoft Gaming CEO Asha Sharma has unveiled a groundbreaking revenue initiative that treats every past console restart as a billable service eve...
Pete Crow-Armstrong requests FAA approval for his home run trot
Chicago Cubs outfielder Pete Crow-Armstrong has filed a formal request with Major League Baseball to designate a jet bridge at O'Hare International Ai...
Marco Rubio Announces Speedboat Incident Investigation To Be Conducted Entirely Via Fax.
Secretary of State Marco Rubio has initiated a formal inquiry into the Cuba speedboat shooting by assigning the task to an obsolete office technology.
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Mike Waltz dispatches UN linguists to authenticate Nicki Minaj's lyricism amid bot allegations
U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations Mike Waltz has redirected three full translation teams from monitoring Security Council proceedings to analyzing...
Honor's AI Phone Sues Itself Over Demo Debacle, Demands Jury Trial
During Mobile World Congress in Barcelona, Honor's new Robot Phone experienced a catastrophic failure of its empathy algorithms, leading it to initiat...
DJI Sues FCC, Accusing Agency of Unleashing 'Spontaneous Lawsuits' by Shredding Due Process.
DJI alleges the FCC's 'careless' handling of its inclusion on the Covered List has resulted in lawsuit paperwork autonomously generating and interferi...
Mutant fox Alopex promoted to upper management in latest corporate reshuffling
The video game developer has formally integrated the arctic fox ninja assassin into its corporate hierarchy following her digital debut.
Shein Founder's Patriotic Line Reveals Roots of Convenience
Xu Yangtian, the notoriously reclusive founder of fast-fashion behemoth Shein, revealed a new clothing line physically woven from Chinese agricultural...
Samsung's Galaxy S26 AI Now Manages Your Entire Existence, Including Your Midlife Crisis
The Galaxy S26 series promises to simplify users' lives by actively managing schedules, resolving conflicts, and anticipating emotional needs before t...
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Software stocks now landfill-bound as earnings lose relevance in AI era
A mass liquidation of software equities has led to physical stock certificates being hauled to municipal landfills by armored trucks.
Apple's Houston factory expansion will consist of building a smaller Houston factory
In a move that analysts are calling a logistical ouroboros, Apple revealed plans to construct an identical factory within its existing Houston facilit...
Fallout 4 Switch Trailer Accidentally Reveals Urban Renewal Strategy
A new Fallout 4 launch trailer for the Switch 2 has been interpreted by federal agencies as a literal urban renewal proposal.