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Updated Thursday, March 05, 2026

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Staff Writer

Jacob Santiago

Jacob Santiago covers locker-room data analytics where spreadsheets and folklore arm-wrestle for airtime. Jacob follows ownership drama and AI safety posturing as the same argument in different uniforms. Jacob believes a chart is innocent until cross-examined by game film.

17 published articles locker room data analytics sports owner succession drama ai safety positioning

Showing 17 of 17 articles

  • Low-wage employees at a Bentonville Walmart review tax strategy documents during a break, calculating the potential value of rebranding their public assistance usage as a corporate partnership.

    Labor & Work

    Subsidized Employees Declare Themselves Public-Private Partnership, Seek Tax Credits

    A coalition of employees from America's lowest-paying corporations has formally registered as a public-private partnership to monetize their dependence on...

    · Labor & Work,Social Issues & Activism,Wage inequality,Public assistance,Corporate responsibility,Tax credits,Low-wage workers,Business,Politics,Labor,Why Jeff Zucker Is Bullish About An Billion Megadeal To Create A,satire

  • Passengers observe missile activity during a Delta Air Lines confidence flight skirting Iranian airspace, part of new congressional requirements to maintain energy market stability.

    Politics & Policy

    Congress Approves Airlines Flying Through War Zone To Protect Oil Company Stock Gains

    The House passed the Airspace Integrity and Market Confidence Act with bipartisan support following closed-door briefings about the 2.

    · Politics & Policy,Business & Industry,aviation regulation,energy sector,stock markets,government intervention,Middle East,Politics,Business,Congress,Chevron Exxon Mobil Conocophillips Stocks Hit New Highs Here Are Congress Members,satire

  • Geoff Kendrick, head of digital asset research at Standard Chartered, concludes his presentation predicting Bitcoin's rise to $500,000 following a significant market correction.

    Finance & Banking

    Standard Chartered Analyst Predicts Bitcoin Will Reach $500,000 After Final 85% Correction.

    Despite a 47% price drop this year, Standard Chartered's head of digital asset research argues Bitcoin's path to half a million dollars requires one last...

    · Finance & Banking,Economy & Markets,Cryptocurrency,Investment Analysis,Market Volatility,Price Prediction,Digital Assets,Business,Economy,Markets,Bitcoin Is Headed To 500 000 This Wall Street Analyst Explains Why,satire

  • Protesters form a human chain around Nintendo's Seattle headquarters to oppose storage limitations in the upcoming Pokémon Champions game.

    Consumer & Retail

    Pokémon Champions Players Form Human Chain to Protest Digital Storage Caps

    Nintendo's Pokémon Champions has implemented storage limits requiring players to pay for additional digital creature capacity.

    · Consumer & Retail,Technology Policy,Video Games,Digital Rights,Subscription Models,Corporate Policy,Player Protests,Business,Sports,Education,Pokemon Champions Storage Limits And Subscription Details Revealed Nintendo Everything,satire

  • Former Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein chairs a meeting of his Anxiety Containment Initiative, reviewing protocols for managing financial apprehension related to the expansion of private credit.

    Finance & Banking

    Lloyd Blankfein's Fear Management System Successfully Contains 98% of Financial Anxiety.

    Former Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein has implemented a rigorous fear-containment framework to manage his concerns over private credit's expansion onto...

    · Finance & Banking,Business & Industry,private credit,risk management,Wall Street,financial regulation,investment strategy,Business,Sports,Markets,Ex Goldman CEO Fears Reckoning As Private Credit Chases Main Street Bloomberg,satire

  • A United Nations diplomat finalizes the placement of the sanctions resolution during a Security Council session concerning atrocities in Sudan.

    Global Affairs & Diplomacy

    Sudan war: UN sanctions RSF leaders over el‑Fasher atrocities

    The United Nations Security Council has successfully imposed sanctions on four commanders of Sudan's Rapid Support Forces after a grueling three-day summit to..

    · Global Affairs & Diplomacy,Crime & Justice,Sudan conflict,UN sanctions,War crimes,International relations,Human rights violations,World,Economy,International,Sudan War UN Sanctions RSF Leaders Over El Fasher Atrocities BBC,satire

  • New York Jets defensive end Jermaine Johnson during the team's mandatory Culinary Compliance Review, a moment before the trade decision was finalized.

    Sports

    Jets Trade Jermaine Johnson After He Refuses to Learn "Welcome to the Jungle" on Kazoo

    The New York Jets have dispatched defensive end Jermaine Johnson to Tennessee after he spectacularly failed the franchise's newly instituted Culinary...

    · Sports,Us,NFL Trades,Football Culture,Team Management,Player Evaluation,Sports Media,Energy,Jets Agree To Trade Jermaine Johnson To Titans For Vondre Sweat NBC,satire

  • Capitol Police officers monitor the gallery during the State of the Union address, moments before intervening to detain a guest for rising from her seat.

    Politics & Policy

    Rep. Omar seeks inquiry into guest whose ovation was mistaken for insurrection

    Congresswoman Ilhan Omar has formally requested an investigation after her State of the Union guest was arrested for what she describes as a silent,...

    · Politics & Policy,Legal Affairs,Congressional investigation,Security protocols,Political controversy,Government oversight,Capitol security,Crime,Us,White House,Rep Ilhan Omar Demands Investigation After State Of The Union Guest Arrested,longform,column,satire

  • A scene representing the current state of Measles Exposure Reported At Philadelphia International Airport 6abc Philadelphia.

    Science

    Possible measles exposure reported at Philadelphia ...

    The unfolding situation regarding Measles Exposure Reported At Philadelphia took a turn for the surreal this morning as officials admitted that the plan is currently just a series of hopeful gestures. Observers remain ca...

    · Science,Us,Measles Exposure Reported At Philadelphia International Airport 6abc Philadelphia,longform,column,satire

  • A scene representing the current state of Remembering Five Dreamcast Classics To Honor SEGA Pioneer Hideki Sato's Passing Outkick.

    Economy

    Japan's prime minister calls snap election as approval ratings ride high

    The unfolding situation regarding Remembering Five Dreamcast Classics To took a turn for the surreal this morning as officials admitted that the plan is currently just a series of hopeful gestures. Observers remain cauti...

    · Economy,Politics,Elections,Internet Culture,Remembering Five Dreamcast Classics To Honor SEGA Pioneer Hideki Sato's Passing Outkick,satire

  • A scene representing the current state of The Most Annoying People In Airport Security According To The TSA Travel.

    Travel

    32 Airport Workers Share Behind-The-Scenes Secrets That ...

    The unfolding situation regarding The Most Annoying People In Airport Security According To The TSA Travel took a turn for the surreal this morning as officials admitted that the plan is currently just a series of hopefu...

    · Travel,Economy,Labor,Transportation,Defense,The Most Annoying People In Airport Security According To The TSA Travel,longform,column,satire

  • A scene representing the current state of There Was Cruelty' How America's Next Top Model Became A TV Horror.

    Entertainment

    Top stories - News - Google

    The latest reports on There Was Cruelty' How America's Next Top Model Became A TV Horror indicate that while the original objective has been lost, the commitment to fancy PowerPoint transitions remains unshakable. Observ...

    · Entertainment,Science,Media,Space,There Was Cruelty' How America's Next Top Model Became A TV Horror,satire

  • A scene representing the current state of New 'subprime Crisis' US Private Equity's 'software Industry Loan Exposure' Larger Than.

    Us

    New "Subprime Crisis"? The "Software Industry Loan ...

    In a stunning display of administrative agility, New 'subprime Crisis' US Private Equity's 'software Industry Loan Exposure' Larger Than has successfully pivoted from a minor concern to a city-wide conversation starter. ...

    · Us,Technology,New 'subprime Crisis' US Private Equity's 'software Industry Loan Exposure' Larger Than,longform,column,satire

  • A scene representing the current state of Anthropic CEO Again Tells US Government NOT To Do What Nvidia CEO.

    Us

    Anthropic CEO urges US to block AI chip sales to China

    In a stunning display of administrative agility, Anthropic CEO Again Tells US Government NOT To Do What Nvidia CEO has successfully pivoted from a minor concern to a city-wide conversation starter. Observers remain cauti...

    · Us,Politics,Artificial Intelligence,Anthropic CEO Again Tells US Government NOT To Do What Nvidia CEO,longform,column,satire

  • A scene representing the current state of Serbia's NIS Seeks New Sanctions Waiver.

    Global Affairs & Diplomacy

    Kim Jong-un ready to 'crown' his daughter as future leader

    The ongoing saga of Serbia's NIS Seeks New Sanctions Waiver took a turn for the surreal this morning as officials admitted that the plan is currently just a series of hopeful gestures. Observers remain cautiously optimis...

    · Global Affairs & Diplomacy,Politics & Policy,North Korea,Succession,Leadership,Geopolitics,Diplomatic Relations,Science,Us,Serbia's NIS Seeks New Sanctions Waiver,satire

  • Members of the Spokane Sprites women's hockey team watch as arena staff prepare the bench area after their Canadian opponents failed to cross the border for Wednesday's playoff qualifier.

    Sports

    Area Women's Hockey Team Forces Canadian Forfeit Via Border Shutdown

    The Spokane Sprites women's hockey team clinched their playoff spot after Canadian rivals the Vancouver Vixens failed to cross the border for the championship..

    · border policy,women's hockey,visa issues,playoffs,international travel,Sports,Us,State & Local

  • The USA TODAY Sports Coaches Poll has led to a not insignificant level of bureaucratic confusion. This development is, by some measures, not entirely without consequence for the fabric of reality.

    Sports

    College Baseball Preseason Rankings Announced, Inducing Mild Organizational Paralysis

    The release of the USA TODAY Sports Coaches Poll for college baseball has led to a not insignificant level of bureaucratic confusion.

    · Sports,Baseball,College Sports,Rankings,Athletic Administration,USA TODAY Poll,Us,Education,College Baseball Preseason Rankings USA,longform,column,satire